You’ve probably noticed how technology has woven itself into the fabric of family life over the past few years. It has brought us many conveniences, options, and fun, but it has also undeniably created a different family experience than what many parents grew up with.
Most of us didn’t see our parent’s ordering groceries from a cellphone, setting parental controls on tablets for safety, or arguing over phone distractions during date nights. This new way of life has emerged with its own set of complexities. Technology and the digital world have become like a new family member, who is getting a lot of attention and altering the family dynamic. At times, it might even feel like the digital world is the most important member of the family, taking priority over physical world activities and interactions. Technology and the digital world seem to be here to stay, so how your family chooses to integrate it into daily life can significantly shape the development of both positive and negative family dynamics. Many parents have come to expect their teens to be in their rooms, immersed in the digital world, while children have grown used to their parents being preoccupied with their own devices. But I encourage you to be intentional in shaping what you would like your family dynamics to be throughout the different ages and phases. Here are four questions to talk about as a family to help you decide what role you want the digital world to play in your day-to-day family life:
What values are important to our family, how does technology and the digital world fit into these values?Depending on what your family values most; you will likely have different ways of integrating the digital world into day-to-day life. For example, if your family values fun and being active together you might choose to have a virtual reality sports gaming night. The key here is to be intentional and have conversations about what family members value to decide how to integrate the digital world into family life instead of letting the digital world drive your family values, time, and dynamics.
What boundaries do we need to set around the digital world to have key family moments together such as meals, vacations, or before going to bed? It’s often easier to add something to life than to take it away, so keep this in mind as you talk about digital limits. If you are adding more engagement and laughter to family meals and vacations by agreeing to put devices down, the limits and boundaries make more sense and have purpose. Eye contact, shared laughter, problem-solving, and affection release “feel-good and love” hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, both kids and adults need regular doses of these hormones throughout their lifetime. Relying on the digital world for these needed hormones in the brain is like eating junk food for nutrition, it may taste good at first, but ultimately does not meet the needs of your brain and body.
How can we use technology and the digital world to bring us closer together, rather than driving us apart? Conflict about the digital world usually comes when a family member is feeling lonely or ignored. Try engaging first- ask about the game, try a trending dance together, or watch the video. Connect with them in what they are already engaged in and then invite your spouse, kids, or family member to do other activities together either digitally or in the physical world. If you have been trying for a while and they frequently turn you down, then try talking with them about your concerns or how you would like to increase quality time with them.
What example do we want to set for our children or younger members of the family regarding the digital world? I often hear older siblings express concern about their younger siblings’ use of digital apps, games, and videos. I think this is because they know from experience what happens when people use the digital world frequently alone, so they feel protective of them. When one family member actively invites others to engage — whether in the digital or physical world — it encourages others to join in. This signals to family members there is fun and engagement available to them and they don’t have to only look for connection in the digital world.
JENNIFER WILMOTH, LMFT
Jennifer Wilmoth is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Thrive Forward Therapy in the Suwanee area with over a decade of experience. She received her Masters of Family Therapy from Mercer University School of Medicine. She works with families and individuals dealing with a variety of concerns. She specializes in working with couples who want to improve their relationship, teens experiencing difficulties at home or school, children experiencing behavioral or relational concerns, anxiety, and depression. Learn more at ThriveForwardTherapy.com.
