IN A world where a few taps can deliver food, entertainment, and answers in seconds, trying to teach our children the value of patience and resilience can be challenging. We’re raising children in an era of instant gratification, where waiting feels unnecessary, and everything seems just a click away. Researchers have been interested in kids seeking instant gratification for many years and even developed a “marshmallow test,” to measure how long preschoolers would wait when given the choice of an instant gratification of having one small treat such as a marshmallow now or waiting for a larger treat later. The study continued to follow the same preschoolers into adulthood and found the longer kids can wait to eat the treat during early childhood showed better academic competence, higher test scores, improved self-regulation, healthier weight, more effective coping with stress, increased social responsibility, and positive peer relations. So, this shows us just how important it is to help kids develop the skills needed to delay gratification; but how do parents and caregivers actually do this?
Here are a few tips to help your kids embrace the art of waiting and the joy of earning accomplishments that can’t be ordered with a swipe.
Make Goals Visual:
Children tend to be literal concrete thinkers who often benefit from seeing ideas visually. Make the goal they are waiting for or they are working toward visible so they can see their progress. Without a way to track their progress young children often think they will never reach their goal and may give up. For example, if they are waiting for their birthday, try marking the days off on a calendar to show the day getting closer. If they are saving their money up to buy a toy, make a chart to show how each dollar is getting them closer to purchasing the toy.
Practice Skills:
The ability to delay gratification can be learned through practice. There are a couple of key executive functioning skills that help kids and teens delay gratification such as mental flexibility and inhibitory control. Mental flexibility is the ability to switch focus and attention while inhibitory control is the ability to control impulses. These skills can be practiced and developed over time similar to building muscle on your body with exercise. You can practice mental flexibility by playing strategy games such as chess, or encourage your kids to offer solutions when there is a routine change such as “The road to our favorite pizza restaurant is closed tonight; what are some other options for dinner?” Practice inhibitory control by playing taking-turn games such as Simon Says or board games.
Benefits of Boredom:
Often kids and teens complain of boredom while they are waiting on gratification, but contrary to what they may believe boredom is not such a bad thing. Sometimes parents feel that it is their role to save their kids from boredom with a device or other entertainment. However, if kids and teens practice tolerating boredom, they will likely learn how to self-regulate their emotions in order to wait and might even take it a step further and develop more task initiation skills and creativity. Some of the best ideas in the history of our world have come from someone being bored and taking initiative to explore their creative ideas.
If you have ever been around a toddler, you know people are not born with the skills needed to delay gratification, but the good news is these skills can be developed over time with practice. Parents can look for opportunities to help kids develop these skills by making goals visual, playing games to build executive functioning skills, and letting their kids be bored at times without rushing to entertain them. These skills not only help your kids delay gratification, it helps to prepare them with skills they need to succeed in life.
JENNIFER WILMOTH, LMFT
Jennifer Wilmoth is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Thrive Forward Therapy in the Suwanee area with over a decade of experience. She received her Masters of Family Therapy from Mercer University School of Medicine. She works with families and individuals dealing with a variety of concerns. She specializes in working with couples who want to improve their relationship, teens experiencing difficulties at home or school, children experiencing behavioral or relational concerns, anxiety, and depression. Learn more at ThriveForwardTherapy.com.
